Boy Wonder

Having it all means necessarily having children that are bright, kind, well-groomed, and resourceful. I love to regale friends and families of their little escapades (and they love to be regaled!), and so was delighted this morning when my son provided me with another charming anecdote to share.

This morning while we were getting ready for the day, my 3 1/2 year old son walked out of his bedroom holding a plastic grocery bag with a large, self satisfied grin on his face. "What is it, baby?," I asked stupidly, to which he replied, "I couldn't find my little potty so I peed in this bag!"

Little boys are so cute peeing
the Belgians turned one into stone.

I was instantly filled with pride, and as his father came into the hall I announced, "Our son is a genius! Tell daddy what you did, baby! Go on!" Boy child beamed up at his daddy and said, "I couldn't find my little potty so I peed in this bag!" His understandably proud father held the bag aloft to admire the specimen, then high-fived our son and said, "That's awesome! Great problem solving!"

However, as I watched the *myriads of faces of my audience, I began to wonder how each was internally responding to my tale...

The Childless Audience

External dialogue: "Oh. Wow. Um, that's funny!?"

Internal monologue: "Please don't show me your kid's picture. Please don't show me your kid's picture. Please don't show me your kid's picture."

**The Doting Grandparent Audience

External dialogue: "He is soooo smart! You know, you did the exact same thing when you were his age!"

Internal monologue: "He is soooo smart! Seriously, Mildred's grandson would never in a million years have been able to figure out how to piss in a plastic bag! I hope they got a picture of the bag!"

***The Concerned Grandparent Audience

External dialogue: "I thought he was potty-trained?"

Internal monologue: "I don't think this is funny. My children were all potty trained by two. But whatever, its their life, and their kids so I CERTAINLY don't want to step in where I am not wanted. Unless they asked, of course. But they never ask. They don't even call."

The One-Up Parent Audience

External dialogue: "I thought he was potty trained? Celia has been potty trained since birth. We did the whole "elimination communication" thing so we never even used a diaper. We just knew her so well we understood from the beginning when she had to eliminate."

Internal monologue: "I always thought there was something a little strange about him. They just aren't strict enough with him, that's his problem. If he was with us for a week he wouldn't pee in a plastic bag. That reminds me, I need to call Celia's therapist this morning...".

The Hippie Parent Audience

External dialogue: "That is so great that you let him be himself and express himself like that! Wow! What an imagination!"

Internal monologue: "Why did she have a plastic grocery bag in the house? That is so environmentally irresponsible. I mean, she cans, for god's sake!" 

The Jealous Parent Audience

External dialogue: "That is so funny! He is such a cute and smart little guy! I just love him!"

Internal monologue: "That is so funny. He is such a cute and smart little guy.  I just love him. I wish Junior would piss in a plastic bag instead of my new Jimmy Choo's."

I have never seen a Jimmy Choo in real life. Is this my only option? Or can I get them in waterproof?

  My Own Evolution

As the day progressed and I had time to reflect, I had a few more reactions to the incident:

1. "The regular potty was four feet away. Why didn't he just use that one?"
2. "Why was there a plastic grocery bag in his bedroom? Was he playing with it? Who left it in there? Probably his father! He could have put it on his head!! Ohmygod he almost died."
3. "Is there something wrong with him?! Ohmygod I have to Google "toddler son pees in plastic bag!"
4. "Where's my mojito!?"

Please feel free to share the wonderful crazy things your kids have done in the comments below.

I felt this photograph provided an interesting juxtaposition to Belgium's Mannekin Pis above. I am introspective like that.

Disclaimers

* This blatant misuse of "myriad" is for my mother.

** And *** These are generalized characterizations of grandparents and are in no way intended to reflect any actual grandparents. Except maybe the first one. You know who you are.