Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Boy Wonder



Having it all means necessarily having children that are bright, kind, well-groomed, and resourceful. I love to regale friends and families of their little escapades (and they love to be regaled!), and so was delighted this morning when my son provided me with another charming anecdote to share.

This morning while we were getting ready for the day, my 3 1/2 year old son walked out of his bedroom holding a plastic grocery bag with a large, self satisfied grin on his face. "What is it, baby?," I asked stupidly, to which he replied, "I couldn't find my little potty so I peed in this bag!"


Little boys are so cute peeing
the Belgians turned one into stone.

I was instantly filled with pride, and as his father came into the hall I announced, "Our son is a genius! Tell daddy what you did, baby! Go on!" Boy child beamed up at his daddy and said, "I couldn't find my little potty so I peed in this bag!" His understandably proud father held the bag aloft to admire the specimen, then high-fived our son and said, "That's awesome! Great problem solving!"

However, as I watched the *myriads of faces of my audience, I began to wonder how each was internally responding to my tale...

The Childless Audience

External dialogue: "Oh. Wow. Um, that's funny!?"
Internal monologue: "Please don't show me your kid's picture. Please don't show me your kid's picture. Please don't show me your kid's picture."

**The Doting Grandparent Audience

External dialogue: "He is soooo smart! You know, you did the exact same thing when you were his age!"
Internal monologue: "He is soooo smart! Seriously, Mildred's grandson would never in a million years have been able to figure out how to piss in a plastic bag! I hope they got a picture of the bag!"

***The Concerned Grandparent Audience

External dialogue: "I thought he was potty-trained?"
Internal monologue: "I don't think this is funny. My children were all potty trained by two. But whatever, its their life, and their kids so I CERTAINLY don't want to step in where I am not wanted. Unless they asked, of course. But they never ask. They don't even call."

The One-Up Parent Audience

External dialogue: "I thought he was potty trained? Celia has been potty trained since birth. We did the whole "elimination communication" thing so we never even used a diaper. We just knew her so well we understood from the beginning when she had to eliminate."
Internal monologue: "I always thought there was something a little strange about him. They just aren't strict enough with him, that's his problem. If he was with us for a week he wouldn't pee in a plastic bag. That reminds me, I need to call Celia's therapist this morning...".

The Hippie Parent Audience

External dialogue: "That is so great that you let him be himself and express himself like that! Wow! What an imagination!"
Internal monologue: "Why did she have a plastic grocery bag in the house? That is so environmentally irresponsible. I mean, she cans, for god's sake!" 

The Jealous Parent Audience

External dialogue: "That is so funny! He is such a cute and smart little guy! I just love him!"
Internal monologue: "That is so funny. He is such a cute and smart little guy.  I just love him. I wish Junior would piss in a plastic bag instead of my new Jimmy Choo's."

I have never seen a Jimmy Choo in real life. Is this my only option? Or can I get them in waterproof?

  My Own Evolution

As the day progressed and I had time to reflect, I had a few more reactions to the incident:
  1. "The regular potty was four feet away. Why didn't he just use that one?"
  2. "Why was there a plastic grocery bag in his bedroom? Was he playing with it? Who left it in there? Probably his father! He could have put it on his head!! Ohmygod he almost died."
  3. "Is there something wrong with him?! Ohmygod I have to Google "toddler son pees in plastic bag!"
  4. "Where's my mojito!?"
Please feel free to share the wonderful crazy things your kids have done in the comments below.

I felt this photograph provided an interesting juxtaposition to Belgium's Mannekin Pis above. I am introspective like that.

Disclaimers

* This blatant misuse of "myriad" is for my mother.
** And *** These are generalized characterizations of grandparents and are in no way intended to reflect any actual grandparents. Except maybe the first one. You know who you are.

4 comments:

  1. Here is something really funny, and it's the holy truth: My first, instant reaction was, WWHHAATT? No...I mean it was visceral! My fingers quivered on the keyboard--should I try, should I not try? She will know, for god's sake, if I can and do. She will know!

    Well, I quieted that harpie and finger-pounded furiously to see whether I could insert the cursor and backspace the hell out of that OF before it drove me into insanity. (I do realize that having such a reaction to a two-letter word is already insane.) Oh, god, I just said something parenthetically...useless, useless, I say...almost as gross as the word "very."..the "very" least word in the English language...very...out with very...of with OF...wait...where am I? Wha???

    Oh...sorry, honey...I'm back now, to the subject at hand.

    Of course, I couldn't tamper with your "of" and wouldn't have even if I could. No, really, I would not. Really. I mean it!

    Then, praise the muses, I noticed the asterisk. Ahhhhhh! That little scamp, I said.

    Your entry today is adorable, naturally. However, it was deeply touching to know how well you know your mama's muse and to remember you saying once how comforting it was to fall asleep to the clicking and tapping of my typewriter, as I wrote deep into the night hours, way beyond the latitude and longitude of dreams.

    I love you, sweetie.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, mercy, I just spied a typo. I checked 27 times for typos. Second paragraph, next-to-last sentence, seventh word from the end; it should be "out", not "of"! Not "of"! Where are your editing skills when I really need them? Huh? Isn't there some way you can edit my posts before I post them?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love this. Problem solving indeed, and the thoughts at the bottom CRACKED me up, because I can totally see myself going through the same thought process.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just so I'm clear...I was checking for typos in MY comments, NOT the blog!

    ReplyDelete